he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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