Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
