my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
