i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
