i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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