I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
