Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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