Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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