Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
