My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
