ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
