we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
