two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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