listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
