My liver just broke up with me...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
