All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
