I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
