I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
