i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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