You really coming over, don't trick.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
