That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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