I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
