Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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