Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
