I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
