just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
