I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
