Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
