I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
it hurts more in the daytime
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
