when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
