There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
