I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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