I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
