i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
