my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
