and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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