Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
