You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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