We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
