You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
