apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
