I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
