I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Randomize
