Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This is the high leading the old right now
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
