i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
