im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
