Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
