Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
