your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
