just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
