Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
